JOKES!
 

A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat..
The Guy orders 3 drinks, the bartender says That'll be £5
Next the cat starts screaming...Your not paying that,its a fucking ripoff...
The guy just looks embarressed and hands over the money....
Anyway this goes on all afternoon cat screamming etc....
Eventually the bartender says Whats the deal with the cat and the ostritch.....
The Guy says...well one day I found a magic lamp and the genie gave me one wish....
The bartender says....So you wished for a cat and an ostricth...Looking puzzled?
The guy....well not really I actually wished for a big Bird with a tight pussie.....

Marie, put my wife on the phone," said Mr. Smith. Marie, the
maid, said she couldn't because Madame was in the bedroom with
her lover.
"Okay, Marie, go to my den and in my file cabinet you will find
my revolver. Take it and shoot both of them. I'll hold on."
"Yes sir," said the maid, and a few seconds later two loud gunshots
were heard.
"Good," said the husband. "Now go outside and throw the revolver
into the lily pond."
There was a long pause. Then the maid said, "Lily pond? What pond?"

"Isn't this 269-8469?"

A farmer's bull seemed to lacked his usual sexual drive and
wasn't going near the cows. The farmer called the vet, who
examined the bull and prescribed something to stimulate the
bull's interest. A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran
into a friend who asked, "How's that bull? Did the vet help?"

The farmer: "Thankfully, the bull is back to his former frisky
self."
Neighbor: "What miracle drug did the vet prescribe?"
The farmer: "I don't know, but it tastes like licorice."


A woman on an African safari strays from the group and is
grabbed by a baboon and raped. Rescued, she is rushed back
to the States, where it takes her nearly a month to come out
of the shock. A friend visits.

"Don't you think it would help to talk about it?", she asks.

"What's to say?" the woman sighs sadly.
"It's been four weeks--he doesn't call, he doesn't write..."


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular
day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the
body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and
said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have
to have a mind in order to believe in God."
The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his
hand. He says' "I think your heart goes to heaven first because
God is all about love."
"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw
Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, I'm not gonna
like this. Little Johnny , which part of the body do you think
goes to heaven first?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."
The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven
first.
He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom
last night and my mom had her feet in the air and she said,
Oh God, I'm coming!"

An englishman,Scotsman and an Irshman working on the building site....@ 12:00 the foreman says I
need to go away to a meeting I want you all to work till 4 and no slacking and leaves.....

The englishman says fuck that I'm off to the pub and leaves....

The scotsman says fuckit, its a nice day I'm off to the park and leaves....

The irshman agrees and decides to go home....when he gets there he heres a nosie from the
bedroom, so he sneaks up quietly and looks in...he sees the foreman fucking his wife...so theIrshman runs out the house....

The next day the foreman says the same thing and leaves...
The scotsman and englishman say to the irshman...well were off are you comming too...
the Irshman says...Fuck that, I naerly got caught yesterday....


...the chief padre wanted to find out who was responsible
for the hanky panky at the monastery so he lined up (queue
that is) all the fathers, naked with little bells on their
wotsits nogal and paraded a stunning naked blonde in front
of them. As she went past the first oke, expecting him to
rise to the occasion and to get his bell ringing...niks happened.
And so it went on past all 12 until she got to the 13th guy. This
boys thing only shot up hey ! with such a force that his bell
shot off....guess what??...as he bent down to pick up his bell....
12 other bells started ringing.

Oh well, you people are too slow to make me stop.. so here's more!!

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in
sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual
disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing
cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating
right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies.
"If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day,
he'll pass into a coma."
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the
hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his
pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a
better health plan."


The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing
his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand
to ask a question.
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

...And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting,
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."

A young couple, newly married, celebrated their first night
together in the manner that newlyweds do... time and again,
all night long. When morning came, the groom went to the
bathroom but found no towel when he emerged from the shower.
Asking his bride to please bring one from the bedroom, he
stepped from the shower, exposing himself to her in the light
of day for the first time. Looking carefully at her new husband,
the wife pointed to a rather small part of his anatomy and asked,
"What's that?" Being somewhat shy, the man hesitated a moment then
said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
Horrified, the wife cried out, "Is that all we have left?!"


The sea of troubles wells at my feet, the sound of the pumping waves engulf my ears. I wait to listen
to the sound of a soothing voice..... I wait in hope that I might recieve some words to fill this sullen
room. Talk to me, I'll listen....

Little johnny comes home from school....mummy mummy guess what happend today in
geography....I had sex with the taecher.....

Johnnys mum is horrified that her precious little ten year old has discovered the ways of
pleasure....Go and see your dad immediatley....hoping for a stern lecture....

His dad being a sterotypical male (A bit like myself...) on hearing this story pats his son on the
shoulder...thats my boy...one of the lads....for that you can ride your sisters brand new bike....

Little johnny says....but dad do I really have to?
Dad...Why not?
Little Johnny....because my arse is still too sore......


time just keeps on ticking

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with peguins in this town!
Take them to the zoo immediately." The guys says OK and drives away.

The next day the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of
penguins - and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands:
"I thought I told you take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies: "I did...today I'm taking them to the beach."

Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of
them says, "My cock is longer than that cat's tail." A bet is made,
the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and measured.
But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says,
"Just a moment! Where did you measure that cat's tail from?" "From the
asshole." says the bartender. "Well, kindly do me the same favor."

two fish in a tank....
one says to the other,
"can you drive this thing?"

There are nine very important men in a woman's life. They are:
Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."
Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"
Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"
Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."
Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out, you'll lose interest."

2 clever men and 1 stoopid man in the desert where captured by arabs. they were each going to be
shot in the morning. one of the men during the night remembered that arabs were afraid of natural
disasters. so in the morning the first man was taken in front of the firing squad, he looked to his left
and shouted sand storm, the arabs all ran off and he made his escape.
the second man was put in front of the firing squad and looked to his right and shouted hurricane, the
arabs all ran off and he made his escape.
the third man was put in front of the firing squad, he looked over the firing squads heads and shouted
"fire!!"

What happened to Jesus when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye kicked the fuck out of him

And God Created The Woman

He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of
his top advisors: His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and
His Chief Architect.

He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions
and comments.

The Carpenter says:
"Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it
out."
God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"

Then the Tailor says:
"Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them."
God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"

Then the Architect says:
"Wonderful creation, absolutely superb"


THERE WAS A MAN THAT OWNED A PARROT...AND WHEN THE MAN THREW
PARTIES THE PARROT WOULD SIT ON THE PIAN AND ANNOUNCE THE GUESTS
BUT HE KEPT DISAPPEARING AND ONE DAY THE FARMER NEXT DOOR KNOCKED
ON HIS DOOR....
EXCUSE ME SIR BUT DO YOU OWN A PARROT??IF YOU DO HE'S BEEN FUCKING
MY CHICKENS...

SO THE MAN PUNISHES HIS BIRD AND TELLS HIM NOT TO LET IT HAPPEN
AGAIN...THAT NIGHT HE THREW ANOTHER PARTY AND AGAIN THE PARROT
DISAPPEARED AND THE NEXT DAY THE FARMER CALLED AND COMPLAINED....
SO THE MAN SHAVED THE PARROTS HEAD AS PUNISHMENT....THE NEXT NIGHT
HE HAD YET ANOTHER PARTY AND HE TIED THE BIRD TO THE PIANO SO HE
COULDN'T SNEAK OFF....HALFWAY INTO THE EVENING AS THE PARROT WAS
ANNOUNCING THE GUESTS 2 BALD MEN WALKED IN AND THE PARROT YELLED
"OK YOU CHICKEN FUCKERS GET UP HERE ON THE PIANO W/ ME"...


While out walking in the country, a man comes across a hole. Curious, he throws in a pebble. He
hears no sound, so picks up a larger stone to throw in. Still, no sound. He begins searching around
for something larger to throw in, he throws in a rock. Still no sound can be heard so he looks around
again, and this time he finds a huge boulder and throws that into the hole. As he is kneeling over the
hole waiting for some sort of sound, a goat comes charging down the road towards him. He
manages to scramble out of the way, but the goat falls down the hole. A few moments later, a farmer
appears over the hill and approaches the man. "Have you seen a goat round here?" the farmer asks,
and the man, somewhat embarrased that the goat had fallen into the hole right next to him, answers
that he hasn't. "That's odd," says the farmer, "It must be round here somewhere because I left it tied
to an enormous boulder"

A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who
recommends a newprocedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of
the penis. The man goes for it and has ahumongous penis. One day, while
eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under the
table, grabs a bun and slides back down under the table. The girlfriend
is amazed. "That's incredible", she says, "Can you do it again?" The man
replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my butt can handle another bun
right now".

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a
really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the
morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers
the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's
a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! "...
On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags
the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the
cork out again "...On the road again..." The M.A. is totally
unimpressed..."So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing
thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked, "Are you kidding?" says
the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!!"


Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor.
Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do push-ups and somersaults and limber himself
up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing.

One day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said,
"Look, pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right time comes, I am going to be
that one."

A few days later, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they knew that it was
getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly and, sure enough, there was Stanley
swimming far ahead of all the others. All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began
to swim back with all his might.

"Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"


Why "Star Wars" was almost rated "R"...
========================================================
As you can see below even the most innocent of lines can be made into
sooooo much more.......

TOP 10 SEXY LINES FROM STAR WARS

10) "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
9) "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in
time?"
8) "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7) "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6) "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
5) "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4) "Sorry about the mess..."
3) "Look at the size of that thing!"
2) "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1) "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
 


Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel
tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent
leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sargent replied
"Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural
sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain
said "Well if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with
me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not
stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The
sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.

The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.
As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants
he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sargent replied,
"Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

What's the similarity between a woman and a KFC???
Once you've finished with the thigh and the breast you've got a nice greasy bucket to dip your bone
in!!!


"Nice teeth, I bet you could chew corn
through a fence with those!"

"After meeting you, I've changed opinion
on birth control!"

Irv Traiger said, "Thou art a dread-bolted dissembling
malt-worm, name!"

Tai said, "Thou art a dissembling shard-borne foot-licker,
woman

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder. The bartender says "you can't bring that in
here!" The guy says "Why not? He's a pet. Plus I'll bet you a drink he can play any instrument in
here. "
The bartender says "okay, here's a trombone, I'll bet a drink he can't play it."

The octopus picks it up and starts playing a tune.The bartender is a little upset and pulls out a clarinet
and says, "I bet another drink he can't play this."

The guy says okay and the octopus picks up the clarinet and starts playing away on it. By now the
bartender is really upset. He's had to give the guy 2 free drinks already.
Then he remembers he has an old set of bag-pipes in the back. He tells the guy, "I'll bet you one
more drink he can't play something else I have," and throws out the bag-pipes.

The octopus takes one look at the set of bagpipes and starts swarming all over it, pulling on the
pipes and squeezing the bag. The bartender laughs and says, "I guess I win.

The guy says, "just give him a minute. As soon as he realizes he can't fuck it... he'll play it."


LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's funky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your
trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.
 

two nuns where riding doen a cobblestone street.
One nun says 'i've never come this way before.'
the other says 'yes i know it's the cobbles'..


Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the
same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather; kinky is when you use the whole
chicken.
Q: How can you tell if a bank robber is gay?
A: He ties up the safe and blows the guard.
Q: How can you tell if you're in a gay church?
A: Only half the congregation is kneeling.

Two women were walking down the street and one spots her husband coming out of the florist..
'oh! no..there's my husband coming out of the florist with 2
dozen roses.Damn! i'll have to keep my legs up in the air for three days'
and her friend says..'Why don't you just buy a vase'..

a thousand lamps.....won't lift the dark
the rest of our lives....might have already passed...

Like em???
Got any more jokes???

mail them to [email protected]

all good ones will be put on the page.